Hey man sorry I got all grabby
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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