1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
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