You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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