i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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