I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
