i permit you to call me
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
