Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
