he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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