Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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