I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I should be sponsored by Trojan
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Randomize
