how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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