i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
