I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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