Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
My liver just broke up with me...
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Randomize
