we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
