1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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