i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
