can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Randomize
