Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
