Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Randomize
