Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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