THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Randomize
