Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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