imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
