Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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