Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
