6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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