I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
