I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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