FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
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