She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
