That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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