The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Can you bring me the toilet please
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
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