My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Randomize
