Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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