I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
