how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
you had me at cake vodka
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
