I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Randomize
