woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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