theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
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