I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
