Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
