brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
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