I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
