Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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