we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
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