Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I just gift wrapped bread.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Randomize
