omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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