Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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