T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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