She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
